Learning to Let Go

As a parent, one of the hardest thing to face is probably the fact your child is getting more and more independent. One of hardest thing to learn as a parent is probably learning to let go and realize that your child is an individual person who eventual will grow his/her own wing, fly their own path, make their own mistakes, learn from them, and live their own life.

Since Ashley was born, she had been sleeping in her crib in our room. Initially was because it was easier to take care of her as she woke up every couple hours and we didn't want little baby Ashley to be alone. Secondly, we live in a two bedroom condo, which doesn't give us much room. We basically need a spare bedroom to accommodate visitors. It worked out pretty well and I for sure definitely enjoyed the closeness. However, every now and then at night Ashley often kicks her legs, makes noises, sometime screams here and there, It often wakes Mommy and Daddy. On the other hand, whenever we get up in the middle of night or early morning to use the bathroom, we often wakes up Ashley. We thought of moving Ashley to her own room a while back, but for some reason never actually did it. Maybe subconsciously we didn't want to let go?

Things are getting worse and worse as Daddy travels so frequently lately and often has jet lag to battle with. He often goes to sleep at 2AM, or wakes up at 3 or 4 AM at night, and that just wakes both Ashley and Mommy up. So this Friday night, Daddy woke up at 3AM, and Ashley got woken up, it took her a long time to fall asleep and then she woke up again at 6AM. It was totally a nightmare. Everyone was tired and exhausted. It's time to move her to the other room.

After lunch Saturday, we got rid off the second bed, moved her crib to the other room. Everything happened so fast, it only took a couple of hours. So for the first time, Ashley got to sleep in her own room Saturday afternoon for her nap. We were a bit worried that Ashley might not be able to sleep in the new environment and it might take a couple of days for her to get used to her own room. Surprisingly, she took her nap without any problem. Saturday night she went to sleep within 10 minutes as usual after we put her to sleep. In fact, she slept so well that she woke up at 7:15 AM on Sunday. Sunday she took her naps in her own room without any hiccups. As usual last night, she went straight to sleep in 10 minutes. This morning around 7:20 AM, I heard her making some noise, I jumped up in a conditioned reflex, got her milk ready, went to her room, but she was still sound to sleep. So I just laid quietly on the floor next to her crib waiting for her to wake up. She didn't wake up until 8AM!

I'm surprised but at the same time glad that Ashley made the transition so well. She is truly an amazingly great baby. Honestly, Mommy feels a bit uneasy and lost that my little sweet baby is moving away and making her new step towards independence. Perhaps the same feeling that many Moms feel when their children go away for school or move away to live. But truly, children often do so well without the constant protection of their parents. Parents are usually the ones who couldn't let go and couldn't face the fact that their babies are finally grown up and have to live their own lives. Somehow, children have to take those initial steps, just like babies learning to walk and birds learning to fly. They'll never learn to do it unless actually doing it.

So as a parent, I can only give my child love, support and protection unconditionally when she needs it and learn to let go when the time comes. And this weekend, I learned to let go for the first time.

A Year In Memory

In a blink of eyes, a year of time slips through the fingers just like running water does.

It wasn't long ago, little Ashley barely fitted in her car seat that we had to use 3 extra towels as padding, nowadays her legs just dangling from the car seat. It wasn't long ago, she couldn't do much besides laying there spending her time looking around, and then she was able to lay on her tummy, to pull herself up from lying position, to roll around, to sit up, to crawl around, and then to cruise around. It wasn't long ago, it was safe to just lay her down on the sofa, and walked away to do your own stuff, and nowadays she is so active that you have to keep your eyes on her constantly and changing diapers becoming fighting a battle.

What strikes me the most about Ashley is that she is so calm, happy, joyful, and sweet. She is a baby born with a smile imprinted on her face.

In the first week after she was born, Mommy and PoPo swore that she could already smile while we held her. Although Daddy insisted that was involuntary muscle movements, yet Mommy believed that her little angel was just as happy to be surrounded and held by her loved ones.

She puts on the brightest sunshine smile every time you go to pick her up from her crib after she wakes up as if she hasn't seen you for ages. She had this most satisfied smile every time after she was breastfed; Mommy knew she was content with a full happy stomach.

The very first time she burst out laughing, swinging her arms and kicking her legs, was at the silly chicken and duck sounds Mommy and Daddy made. From that moment on, we knew she loves to laugh and whether she realizes or not she has brought so many laughter and joys to Mommy and Daddy.

As she grows bigger and bigger, she laughs and smiles at everything. She laughs when you play peek-a-boo with her; she laughs when you tickle her underarms and her body; she laughs when you kiss her; she laughs when you put her on the swing and push her up and down; she laughs when you toss her high in the air; she laughs when she crawls so fast that you can't keep up with her; she laughs when she gets to splash water in her bath, in the swimming pool and on her tray.

She smiles at you when she gets anything she isn't supposed to; she sometimes smiles after she is fed; she smiles and waves at strangers although that depends on her mood; she smiles and shakes her body automatically every time her toys play music; she smiles when you give her the teddy bears and her blanket; she smiles after she fetches her ball, finds the cat and the dog hidden beyond the doors on her toy; she smiles after you let her bang on the computer keyboard; she smiles when she kisses her teddy bears, her blanket, her ball; she smiles every time she sees herself at mirror.

Often, Ashley he is just as happy to play by herself on the playmat, in the exersaucer, on the bouncy chair, in her stroller. She is content to just sit and lay there and observes all those new things and new people. She never fuzzes every time we go out. She waves and smiles at the cashier, at the waiters, at the doctors and nurses, and at some random people sometime. She loves little babies and kids, and smiles at them whenever she sees them. She instantly spreads the happiness to everyone and captures everyone's heart.

Ashley's heart is filled with bountiful happiness and joy. To her, everything is brushed with honey and smelled like a bright red rose. Every person is like her dearest friend although she might have stranger anxiety at the beginning, just give her 10 minutes and she will love you as if she has known you for a long time. Every action she does, or you do with/to her is like shooting to the moon; it makes her so happy and excited that she often screams in joy, swings her arms and kicks her legs.

What is Ashley to Mommy then?

She is a ray of sunshine through the darkest thickest cloud.
She is a cup of hot chocolate in the chilly rainy day.
She is the purest morning dew on a blooming flower petal.
She is the first bud of spring leaf after a long cold winter season.
She is a breath of fresh air in the hot humid summer heat.
She is the fire in the freezing snowy winter night.
She is the wind beneath my wings.

She truly has brought 365 days each filled with happiness and joy to Mommy, and there are many many more to come.

With that said, my little sweet angel turns 1 year old today. She is no longer an infant, she is now a big toddler.






Ashley at birth.




















Ashley at 1 year old




















Happy Birthday to my little angel!

Crossing Heaven's Border

Crossing Heaven's Border is a documentary on PBS about a group of North Korean risking their lives crossed a cold icy river from North Korea to China, and then smuggled across the Chinese border to Laos and finally into Thailand where they can get asylum in South Korea.

The film follows a group of North Korean consists of a young boy, teenager girl, 60 year old grandma, and a mom whose son is sick with cerebral palsy, and documents their journey to freedom. In any moment if they get caught in China and Laos, they will be sent back to North Korea where they can lose their lives. Some of them carry the deadly poison to kill themselves in the event if they get caught.

What touches me the most during this film is during the grueling 24+ hours of hike through the juggle from China to Laos, the only person who passed out is not the little boy nor the 60 year old grandma, it is the young, fit male South Korean journalist who was filming the group. This is because escaping to freedom is probably the only choice for the little boy and the old grandma. They had no other choice and this is the motivation for them.

Other touching moment is where the mom with the sick child was forced to risk her life to escape from China to Thailand using the fake passport and leave her child behind until she could safely reach South Korea, work and save some money and get her child out of China. She is only doing this because her sick child needs medical care where he can't get it in China as they were defectors escaped from North Korea. Truly, the mother's love is the most unconditional and unselfish of all.

This is really a heartbreaking touching film. It puts tears in my eyes.

So, for those of us who complains
we have to work hard,
live in a small place,
not making enough money,
having a boring job/life,

perhaps instead we should be grateful that we are some of few who
can afford 3 meals a day,
get to breathe fresh air in a free country,
live in a more civilized place,
get to travel to any(most) places we desire,
have the freedom of speech,
lucky enough to live with our loved ones and friends.

and be appreciative of what we have and what life has to offer.

Happy Mother's Day

Since I became a mom, I have definitely learned a lot and have different prospectives in life.

For once, I truly understand what unconditional love is. Parents really really truly love their children unconditionally regardless of what happen. It's definitely the purest love.

I used to think career is very important and work hard for it. But now while career is still important to me, I have a higher priority in life -- Ashley.

It's since I became a mom, I now understand things my parents have said and done to me.

It's since I became a mom, I have become more accepting, forgiving and hopefully more patient and loving.

So, Happy Mother's Day to all moms and mothers to be!

Birthday

As we grow older, we care less and less about birthdays. At certain age of our life, we wish birthdays would never come again and time would just freeze.

This year is very different than all other years. AJ is not around, but I got my sweet angelic daughter by my side. For every year I become older, she grows taller, bigger and wiser. So from now on, it does not matter how much older I am becoming because I see myself in her and my existence in her presence.

Life continues on.

Time Flies

Saw HCW's 7 week old daughter, Megan, for the first time this afternoon. My first reaction was, "how tiny, so small!" HCW mentioned that Megan is already 9 lb and reminded me that Ashley was once as small as Megan. In deed very true. Ashley was born 7 lb and 3 oz, but now she is probably around 16 lb. I'm so used seeing how her is now that I can't even remember how small she once was during the first couple of months.

Time really flies. It is not as obvious on adults as we don't change much from month to month. However it is so evident on little babies as they can grow so much within a week, a month. Ashley has gone through so many transformations just within the 7 month period. I wish I started a blog 7 months ago so that I could write down and remember all those little yet significant milestones.