Ashley is 11 Month Old Today

Today, Ashley is 11 month old already! As everyday passes by, she's becoming more and more like a toddler, my little baby soon won't be a little baby anymore.

Ashley's highlights and milestones are this months are:

1. She is more and more mobile. She crawls very fast, and doesn't like to sit still. In a blink of eyes, she can crawl from one room to another. Changing diaper and her cloth are becoming more and more difficult.

2. She crawls and follows you as you walk from one room to another. You go to the kitchen, she'll soon join you; you walk to the bedroom, she'll come and check out what you are doing. Just like a little cute doggy.

3. She can pull herself to stand everywhere. In her crib, by the sofa, coffee table, TV stand, ottoman...you name it, anything she can reach and pull herself, she has done that.

4. She can stand unsupported for a long time. One of her favorite things to do is to pull herself up by the coffee table, and starts grabbing anything she can reach, plays for a couple of seconds, and then picks it up and throws it on the floor. Things she can't reach? Don't worry, she knows to tip her toes so that she can reach for more things on the table and do more damages.

5. She got 2 teeth, both on the bottom of her month.

6. She's a fuzzy eater, but she loves to see what's on your plate. She crawls over and wants the food on your plate whenever you eat. She never refuses any food coming from your plate.

7. She is very vocal and can talk up a conversation in her crib when she wakes up in the morning.

8. She knows to close the microwave door, cabinet doors.

9. She points to things with her index finger.

10. She enjoys going to swimming pool, and loves to splash, giggle and laugh in the pool.

11. She's a big flirt. She loves to smile and wave at anyone that walks by her. And if you don't respond, her eyes will follow you, and she would babble more and wave more until you give her some sort of response. How could anyone not melt when they see such a cute baby?

12. She loves to dance and is very rhythmic. Every time the music is on, whether she sits or stands, she automatically shakes her body, bounces up and down and swings her head.

13. Got her very first cut by Daddy who didn't cut her bang evenly.


Here are some photos of Ashley during this month.








Hehe, look what I got!!
















Hey, what is that inside my shirt???!!!!













Hmmm, I think I ate too much for lunch!!!















Cerisa, Mommy and me. Mommy is getting a bicep workout!
















After a bad, uneven hair cut from Daddy. I still look SOOO cute though!




















Hey, where are you going?




















Mission Destruction in progress.

Birth of Ashley 3

During the drive to the hospital, I was still silent and contractions just hit harder and harder. I couldn't breath, couldn't talk and every inch of my body just seemed to be in pain. The idea of doing natural birth started to shake, I mumbled to AJ, "I don't know how long I am going to last without epidural. I think I'm going to ask for epidural. This is too much to handle."

I remember us rushed pass the security at the hospital as they could see in the pain in my face. In the elevator, I had to bend over and lean on the wall as the contraction struck again. It really felt like the end of everything.

It took a while before the nurse checked us in and she ran the same tests as the first time.

"You're now 4 cm dilated and 100% effaced."

"What?! That's all? It has been more than 10 hours since I was checked last. I was at 2 cm and 35%!" I cried out.

I thought to myself, geez, all that pain went to effacement, and only 2 more cm? I couldn't imagine how much more painful it would get and how much longer it would take to be 10 cm dilated? Another 20 hours? or more???

At that point, I knew I had to ask for epidural.

"On the scale of 1 to 10, 10 best the most painful. What's your pain level?" The nurse asked again.

"10! 10! 10! 10!" I screamed without any hesitation. Really, is there 20? It felt like 20!!!

"Do you want epidural?"

"YES! PLEASE!"

"Ok, we'll check you in. The time has come."

Finally, more than 20 hours after the contraction started, I was checked to a hospital room. It was August 30, 2009 around 2PM.

The hospital I went to is a teaching hospital and residents are the ones who give epidural. I always felt very uncomfortable having resident applying epidural on me. So I wanted to ask for the attending physician.

The anesthesiologist soon after I was checked in. He started giving me a bunch of information and asking some questions. I remember one of the questions was,

"What was your pain level on the scale of 1 to 10?"

"10! 10! 10!" Geez, can't you guys just give me the epidural??!!

Once he finished asking questions. It was my turn to interview him.

"What year are you on as a resident?"

"3rd"

"How many epidural have you done?"

"About 200."

"What was the worse come out from your patient?"

"...."

"Well, I'm sorry, I don't feel too comfortable having a resident to give me epidural. Can I have the attending physician to do it?"

"Any particular reason why you don't feel uncomfortable about it?"

"Not really. I just don't feel comfortable."

After a phone call, he said, "OK, the attending physician will come."

While the nurse and the resident were preparing me for the epidural, the attending physician came. For some reason, my body started to shake uncontrollably. "My body is shaking, I can't hold it still!" I cried out in panic.

"It's normal, it's due to the hormones from the labor. It's ok. Just relax and breath." Someone replied.

I guessed the doctor could feel that I was tensed and starting asking where everyone was from originally. It turned out that AJ is from Australia, the nurse is from Ireland, the attending physician is from England, the resident is from Oklahoma, and I'm from China.

"What an international delivery room!" Someone commented.

While my focus was shifted during the conversation, the resident finished applying epidural while the physician watched. I realized it wasn't the attending physician who did it, but it turned out pretty good, but I didn't bother to press the issue.

I had learned from the birth class that there is a button on the epidural line that the patient can click for more dosage if needed. So, I asked the anesthesiologist where that button is. I know, I know, this is 180 degree from doing natural birth without pain medicine, but the pain was really unbearable. He showed me where the button was, and I asked,

"What if I click too much and overdosed?"

"Well, it's computer controlled. It doesn't really give much more. It's probably more psychological than anything."

Soon after I got the epidural, I couldn't feel the pain anymore. 5 minutes afterwards, the anaesthesiologist came in and asked again what my pain level was now.

"0! 0! I can't feel any pain! I should have this a long time ago!"

Epidural is truly amazing. After I got it, I couldn't feel any pain. In fact, I couldn't feel any contraction. Every time the contraction, AJ by looking at all those monitors behind me would tell me, "Here comes another contraction." Finally I got to relax and rest a bit after more than 20 hours labor without epidural.

For a while, the labor was very uneventful except around 3:30PM, the water broke. Half hour later, while resting, we heard some sort of alarm went on, but no one came in. So I called the nurse, she came in, ran a couple of tests on the monitor and left. The alarm must have gone off a couple of more times, the nurse was pretty calm, ran some tests and didn't mentioned if there was any problem. Another hour went by, the alarm went off again and the nurse come, ran some tests again and said to me,

"It looks like the epidural slows down the contractions. We are going to use Pitocin speed up the labor."

Not long after the Pitocin was used, the alarm went off again. And this time, it was pretty loud. All the sudden, 4 or 5 nurses rushed to my room, each all doing some sort of tests and 1 nurse started to ask what my blood type was. I had to say, they were all very calm and professional, at least they didn't make me feel nervous.

Finally, my nurse said to me, "Looks like the baby can't handle the labor. Every time the contraction comes, baby's heart rate went down to 60 to 70."

60 to 70??!! The normal baby heart rate is supposed to be between 120 to 150. I started getting a bit worried.

"Is it because we use Pitocin?"

"No, even before that, the baby's heart rate went down as well. The heart rate recovers after the contraction. We normally give 30mm of Pitocin, and we only started 5mm with you. It happened almost every contraction."

AJ mentioned that he could see it from the monitor that one graph showed the contraction and one showed the heart rate and it seemed though the curves went on different directions with contractions. And we were both worried at this time.

"Well, I called your doctor, and she said we might need to do C-section. She'll come and talk to you"

C-section? It was my last reserve. I didn't really want to do it unless it's necessary.

My doctor came and explained more about the situation to me.

"It looks labor is putting the baby in stressed. The heart rate really went down quite a bit. It might be worse. C-section is an option. And you get to see the baby soon!"

"Are there any other options?"

"Well, we can wait and see what happens. But really, this is not true emergency yet, and I can take my time to make the cut and then stitches up. In the real emergency case, we have to rush to take out the baby in a couple of minutes and I might not have the time to do that."

"Can I think about it?" I still hesitated about having C-section.

"Sure, but I'm really worried about the baby." The doctor said.

Once I heard that, all the hesitations went away. The baby's safety is my first priority. "OK, let's do it then!"

Later on, we all found out that this probably turned out it was the best decision I had ever made.

It was around 6 PM on Saturday, August 30th, 2009, more than 24 hours since the contraction started, 4 hours after I checked in to the hospital room, 3 hours after I got epidural. I should have gotten the epidural much earlier had I know that I was going to end up with C-section. Really, you can't predict what can happen in a labor.

Pretty soon, I got to see my baby!

From Memory Lane

Yesterday I happened to come across some old photos from a friend of mine in college. Looking through these photos, it brings back lots and lots of memories. The memory started peeling like layers of an onion. It was the memory of youth, the memory of carelessness, the memory of fun and the memory of friendship.

Although I hardly keep on touch with some of those friends on the regular bases, but these friendships are probably some of the strongest relationships one can ever have. I know deep down my heart, if I ever needed their help, I can just pick up the phone and call them.

I can't believe how young I used to look and how fast time flies. Thank you my dear friends for your friendships and the wonderful memories. So, here are some old photos from the memory lane (courtesy of Patricia Halgas).



I believe this photo was taken at the Faculty Roast at the end of senior year. Basically, we the students roast each faculty and give out weird awards. Didn't I look SO young?!!!






This photo was taken at the graduation party at John Gianvittorio's (1st from the left) house. I remember John used to come in to the class late and always sat in the front of class. He always had some sort of food and was never shy of eating it in front of the entire class. John, Robert (4th from left) and I were the only 3 continued to graduate schools. John went to UCLA and earned his PHD, I guess we have to call him Dr. G, but you know, we'll always call him John. Robert, like all of us, has BSEE degree, but he went on to get his mater's degree in film making in USC. He's now a producer and won't surprise me he wins an Oscar one day. I went on to Georgia Institute of Technology, earned my MSEE and came to California. I remember 3 of us were visiting graduate schools together. We started out in east coast and made it all the way here in the west coast.




This photo was taken in the EE student lounge, where we used to hang out after class. We spent countless sleepless nights there studying for exams and working on projects. I think this was for someone's birthday. I remember Patty (5th from left, back row) is an excellent baker. She used to bake this amazing cheese cake and brought it in to the class. I now got her secret recipe for the cheese cake, but of course it would never be the same as hers.


This photo was taken during the senior design presentation. Patty, Tom (1st from right), Frank, Lan and I were in the same team. James (1st from left, Ted (2nd from left) and John (2nd from right) were in the same team??? Our design won the 3rd place, I don't remember any price though.






Us girls in EE. We are probably half of the female population in EE, 10 fingers are more than enough to count us. Patty(left on the back), Mae (Right on the back), Phuong (left on the front) and me. Mae, Phu and I met at the beginning of our freshman year. We used to call each other MaeMae, PhuPhu and LingLing, and we wanted to start a club called PhuMaeLing. We were each other's support and we knew each other's life stories. MaeMae is probably one of the strongest and toughest girls I have ever met. She's now working for IBM and living in Vermont. PhuPhu was one of the funniest people I have ever met. She always knew how to make people laugh and always brought smiles to people. Unfortunately, she died in a tragic car accident at the beautiful, young age of 24. I'll always remember her smiles and her beauty. PhuPhu, I know you would continue your laughters and smiles in heaven.






Me, MaeMae and Patty at Bill B's wedding several years ago, many years after we graduated.














There are still so many good friends in my memory book not shown on these photos and so many stories to tell for each everyone of them. Unfortunately I do not have their photos in hand, but each everyone of you still lives in my memory and these memories are to last for a long long time.

Birth of Ashley 2

How can anyone sleep with on-going contractions?

Of course, I couldn't. I was tired and exhausted, I wanted to sleep. But every time I fell asleep, contractions would wake me up. They were getting more painful and painful. I just tossed and turned the whole time on the bed.

How can I describe the pain? Well, honestly, no word can describe it. I always thought of myself as someone who's very strong physically, and that I have high tolerance for pain. But this pain was way beyond what I could ever imagine.

Around 3:00 AM Saturday, it was getting very bad, so I woke up AJ, "Time to go to hospital! Baby is coming!" The whole way to the hospital, I was very quite, didn't say a word. The pain basically consumed me, I just wanted to arrive the hospital as soon as possible and didn't want to waste any energy talking.

The nurse checked us in and ran some basic tests. I was 2 cm dilated and 35% effaced (thinning of cervix). "What? That's all? All that pain?" I thought to myself.

"On the scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most painful, what's your pain level now?" The nurse asked.

"10! 10! 10!" I responded in pain.

"Do you want any epidural?"

"Epidural? No, I'm going to try natural birth first." I answered. I didn't want any intervention of medicine unless it's necessary, so I always planned a natural birth. Well, at least I wanted to give it a try.

"Hmm, well..., " the nurse continued, "You are now just at the beginning of active labor and natural birth takes a long time. Normally we don't accept patients with natural birth plan until they're further away in the labor. We can't give you any medicine to help with labor if you don't want to have epidural. So, we have 2 choices here, you can either go home and come back later when you're further in the labor. Or you can walk around here for 2 hours and we can check your progress then."

Silence, my brain was spinning around fast. My mom was coming in about 4 hours, I still wanted to pick her up from the airport. And I didn't want to walk around for 2 hours, the pain was very bad, but not the end of the world. After consulting with AJ, we decided to go home. So the nurse give me some pain medicines and we came back home. It was around 5AM then.

The pain medicine didn't help anything. The pain was getting worse and worse. I couldn't sleep of course. I was just lying on the bed, holding onto my tummy, bending my legs together, letting the contractions come by and waiting for the time to go to the airport.

Finally around 8:30 AM, we got up and drove to SFO to pick up my mom. The contraction was hitting harder and harder, the pain seemed to double as before. I couldn't talk even if I wanted to. I felt like I couldn't breath. You know all those techniques you learned from the birth class seemed to be useless. At those moments, you just wanted the pain to go away right then. Every second seemed like an hour.

The walk from the parking garage to the terminal seemed like from the earth to the moon. I held on to AJ on one hand, and the other holding on to anything I could grab, the wall, the railing, you name it. Every once a while, I would stop and say, "Wait, contraction is here!" and put my whole body on the wall. Finally I located my mom amongst a crowd, once I found her, I just sat down. It was too painful to be standing up. I bet the whole airport was looking at me funny. I don't quite remember how I could ever make it back to the car while in the active labor. All I remember is that I basically had to on to AJ and my mom on each side of me, and with each step I felt as if baby's head was pushing further and further down.

There is more silence on the way back. The pain was too much, the sweat started to drop like rain fall and my back started hurt quite a bit. Once I got home, I went to lay on the bed immediately, the pressure was just too much to handle.

The contractions were getting very painful. With each contraction, it felt like my body was being pulling apart and then contracting together. It was so painful that the sweat just broke down. I don't think I can even sweat that much from a hard cardio workout.

My mom started cooking for lunch although I didn't think I was able to eat, but she insisted of me eating some food for energy. It was proven to be a mistake later on. I couldn't chew, couldn't swallow any food. I didn't have any energy to talk. Even opening my mouth seemed to be painful. It was the longest meal I ever had. The sweat kept on coming nonstop with more and more frequent contractions. I couldn't imagine how other women did it, it was way too painful than I could ever deal with.

Time must be frozen for a while since I didn't remember much. Around 1 PM, it was very obvious that the baby had dropped much further down in the tummy. So I said to AJ, "I think it's time to go back to the hospital."

So here we were, 10 hours after the first visit to the hospital, we were on our way again and hopefully by the time we came back, we came back as three.

Birth of Ashley 1

Ashley's birthday is coming up soon next month (can you believe it?). There were so many stories about her birth and yet, I haven't written down anything. So, here I am, thinking that while these memories are still fresh, I'd better write them down before they fade away.
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I can still remember vividly the week leading towards Ashley's birth, the week of August 25th, 2008. It was a scorching hot summer week, one of those few weeks we get in Northern California once a while. It was so hot that you feel so uncomfortable to stay indoor; the entire house feels like sitting on a hot oven; you sweat right away the very first moment you get out of the shower, and the air seems to be still.

I took 2 weeks off prior to the due date, now thinking about it, I should have taken the whole 4 weeks off. During the week, I went out everyday to get the last minute stuff ready for the baby. At the end of each day, I was exhausted, and the heat didn't help.

At the beginning of the week during the regular checkup, I was already 1cm dilated. At the time, I asked the doctor if this was the sign that the baby might be coming this week. The doctor answered, "No, it doesn't mean much. The baby can come anytime. It could be this week, next week, or the week after."

Thursday night was hot as any other day. For some strange reason, I insisted to have watermelon and it was 10 o'clock at night. I had the need to have it that particular night. So AJ and I walked over to Lucky's and carried two big watermelon home (of course, I didn't do much of carrying). By the time we got home and finally had some watermelon, it was probably about 11PM.

Friday was hot as well. Contractions started kicking in Friday morning. It started very slow and mild and came every once and by the afternoon, it started to come a little bit more frequent. I still had to get some stuff from Walgreens, so I decided to walk to Walgreens in the hot, sizzling sun.

The tummy seemed to be getting heavier and heavier with each step. The breathe was getting shorter and shorter. The contractions came every now and then and my feet was getting heavier and sore. It seemed ages before I reached Walgreens. By the time I got home, I was completely exhausted and hit the bed right away.

By the time AJ came home around 5PM, the contractions was becoming more regular. So I told him, "I think the baby is coming soon!"

My mom was flying in on the next morning Saturday, so I said, "We need to clean the condo!"
Well, you know what they all say about expectant moms have the urgency to clean right before the baby comes, it's very very true!

"I want to go out for dinner for last time together in the next 15 years!" I added.

AJ thought about it, and said, "Sure, but I want to go for a motorcycle ride for the last time."

"OK, how about we clean, then you go out for a ride, and we then go for dinner?"

So, believe it or not, while I was having contractions, we cleaned up the condo, AJ went out for a bike ride, I took a shower and by the time we went out for dinner, it was past 9PM.

I still remember the dinner. It was at Pasta Pomodoro. Instead of usual Frutti di Mare, I ordered Spaghetti Polpette (spaghetti with beef and pork meatballs). I must had thought that I needed the carbohydrate for the labor and didn't want to take any chances with bad seafood. It was a dinner I could never forget, every now and then during the dinner, I would said, "hold on, contraction is coming." And I would put my fork and spoon down, and hold my head. I could barely taste the food. At the time, the contraction was getting a bit painful, but it was still manageable. They came like every 10 -8 minutes, the doctor said to go to the hospital when the contractions come every 5 minutes. So, we knew it must be coming pretty soon.

I don't remember how we finished the dinner. By the time we got home, it must be almost 11 PM. So, we packed up the last minute stuff, and I called a friend to pick up my mom from the airport in case I was in labor the next morning.

All that set and done, we went to bed.

Crossing Heaven's Border

Crossing Heaven's Border is a documentary on PBS about a group of North Korean risking their lives crossed a cold icy river from North Korea to China, and then smuggled across the Chinese border to Laos and finally into Thailand where they can get asylum in South Korea.

The film follows a group of North Korean consists of a young boy, teenager girl, 60 year old grandma, and a mom whose son is sick with cerebral palsy, and documents their journey to freedom. In any moment if they get caught in China and Laos, they will be sent back to North Korea where they can lose their lives. Some of them carry the deadly poison to kill themselves in the event if they get caught.

What touches me the most during this film is during the grueling 24+ hours of hike through the juggle from China to Laos, the only person who passed out is not the little boy nor the 60 year old grandma, it is the young, fit male South Korean journalist who was filming the group. This is because escaping to freedom is probably the only choice for the little boy and the old grandma. They had no other choice and this is the motivation for them.

Other touching moment is where the mom with the sick child was forced to risk her life to escape from China to Thailand using the fake passport and leave her child behind until she could safely reach South Korea, work and save some money and get her child out of China. She is only doing this because her sick child needs medical care where he can't get it in China as they were defectors escaped from North Korea. Truly, the mother's love is the most unconditional and unselfish of all.

This is really a heartbreaking touching film. It puts tears in my eyes.

So, for those of us who complains
we have to work hard,
live in a small place,
not making enough money,
having a boring job/life,

perhaps instead we should be grateful that we are some of few who
can afford 3 meals a day,
get to breathe fresh air in a free country,
live in a more civilized place,
get to travel to any(most) places we desire,
have the freedom of speech,
lucky enough to live with our loved ones and friends.

and be appreciative of what we have and what life has to offer.